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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727778">When It Counted</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyMaryMarie/pseuds/MollyMaryMarie'>MollyMaryMarie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>69 (Sex Position), Amortentia, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Dubious Consent, Face-Fucking, Fluff, Hence the title, I Wrote This While Listening to Hozier's Music, It borders a little on non-con but doesn't go there, Marauders, Mutual Pining, Smuff, Smut, Sort Of, i mean it's amortentia, that whole potion is dubious consent, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:14:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,629</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727778</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MollyMaryMarie/pseuds/MollyMaryMarie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus is spiked with Veritaserum and accidentally confesses his love for Sirius in front of everyone, but everyone else thinks he was spiked with Amortentia. Remus uses this to his advantage.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>669</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Not actually two chapters, just sort of a bonus scene in the second chapter.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I couldn't utter my love when it counted</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ah, but I'm singing like a bird, 'bout it now</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ah, but I'm singing like a bird, 'bout it now</em>
</p><p> </p><p>A buttermilk scone with strawberry jam and clotted cream. The morning before, he could distinctly remember having a buttermilk scone with strawberry jam and clotted cream with jasmine tea for breakfast. Sirius had been sitting to his left, as always, with James and Peter on the opposite side of the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. After breakfast, they had all gone to Charms together, where Sirius had made a joke about <em>charming</em> his way into Remus’ heart, which had sent a rather subtle pink blush into Remus’ cheeks that Sirius somehow noticed anyway. After Charms had come Potions, where they had been brewing Amortentia, and then ….</p><p> </p><p>And then?</p><p> </p><p>He could remember adding the ingredients to his cauldron. He could remember Sirius nudging him in the ribs, asking if Remus could smell Sirius’ honey and lavender conditioner in the spiraling mist evaporating from the pearl-white concoction beneath his fingertips. He could certainly remember having to pretend he <em>couldn’t</em> smell Sirius’ honey and lavender conditioner in the scent created by the potion. Or his fucking cigarettes. Or Padfoot’s fur.</p><p>But that was it. There was nothing in his memory beyond that. He should have been able to remember coming back to the Common Room. He should have been able to recall the score of the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw Quidditch match that James and Sirius had been practicing for all week. He should have been able to remember the game at all. There was nothing.</p><p>With a weighted groan, Remus pulled himself from bed, gripping onto the burgundy curtain that kept him tucked away from the three other boys that lived in this room with him. His head was absolutely pounding. Had they won the game? Was this the result of the celebrations? It felt a little like a hangover and a little like he’d been drugged. It was fucking <em>terrible</em>.</p><p> Besides the fact that his head felt like it was trying to spontaneously split in two, something else was very wrong. Outside of the curtains around his four-poster bed, there was silence. Living with three other blokes, there was <em>never</em> this much silence. Something was <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>Cautiously, Remus poked his head out to inspect the situation. They were all three still alive, James and Peter and Sirius, and they were getting dressed in their own separate corners absolutely fucking soundlessly. What in Godric’s name <em>happened</em> yesterday?</p><p>“Everything alright?” Remus asked, his voice coming out a bit lower, a bit rougher than he expected. As always, his attention went to Sirius first, and he had to watch the stiffening of Sirius’ spine, the hard swallow as it rolled down his throat, the blanking out of his expression.</p><p>“Fine, Moony, you?” James said, suddenly chipper and coming to stand between him and Sirius. With narrowed eyes, Remus dragged himself from the bed, albeit with great difficulty.</p><p>“I feel like <em>shit</em>, to be perfectly honest,” Remus sighed heavily as he pushed his hands up over his face, into his hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Sirius glance over, but the moment that their eyes met, Sirius looked away. “What happened yesterday?”</p><p>Immediately, Remus watched Sirius grip tightly onto one of the posters of his bed, his head hanging low, dark hair enveloping his face. He took an unsteady breath. “Moony,” he began to say in barely a whisper, finally looking up to watch Remus with furrowed brows.</p><p>As Sirius spoke in that tone, Remus could hear it reverberate within the hollows of his skull, repeating in a pattern, buried in a series of indecent breaths and moaning curses. He could hear Sirius say his name in ways Sirius had <em>never</em> before said it, but only in his head.</p><p>There was no image to go with it, no memory save for the explicit way Sirius breathed his name. <em>Oh, Moony</em>, he could hear this other Sirius say, as the Sirius in front of him looked as if he were going to lose consciousness within the next few seconds.</p><p>Once he’d heard it, it was all he could hear. <em>Oh, God, Moons. Yes, Moony. Please. Oh, fuck, Remus</em>. It was unmistakably Sirius’ voice – higher and tighter and heavier than Remus had ever heard it, but it <em>was</em> Sirius. And the way Sirius spoke his name was fucking illicit.</p><p>It had to have been a dream. A dream that he couldn’t remember, but certainly could feel in his chest. It wasn’t unusual – he’d had many dreams about the roommate he’d fallen in love with over the years. And, yeah, alright, they’d grown a little more obscene lately.</p><p>Before Remus or Sirius could continue speaking, James jumped in again. “Oh, you got bloody <em>smashed</em> last night after the Gryffindor victory.” With what Remus thought should have been an arrogant smirk, a hesitant glance in Sirius’ direction crossed James’ expression.</p><p>From across the room, Peter added, “Come on, Moony, let’s go get some tea from the kitchens before Transfiguration.” Another uncertain sideward glance in Sirius’ direction, and through Peter’s piercing blue eyes, it looked almost frightening. Remus swallowed tightly.</p><p>“Alright,” he agreed tentatively, casting the same worried look toward Sirius, only to find his back turned toward his bed. It looked like his hand was trembling, still tight to the bedpost.</p><p>On the way downstairs, Peter was quiet, which was unusual. This whole fucking morning was unusual. What had Remus <em>done</em> last night? More than once, as they passed fellow Gryffindors, there were a couple whispers, a few giggles, a smirk here and there. Oh, Godric.</p><p>He had done something very embarrassing last night under the influence of the excessive amounts of firewhisky he <em>had</em> to have consumed to be that drunk. Did it have to do with Sirius?</p><p> </p><p>Oh. <em>No</em>. No, no, no.</p><p> </p><p>Had he confessed his feelings to Sirius last night? Or worse, tried to <em>kiss</em> Sirius? Shit, this could be very bad. He had to find out. But how? Not even Peter or James knew how he felt about Sirius. And he certainly hadn’t been able to tell Sirius. It hadn’t been the right moment yet.</p><p>“Tell me what happened, Pete,” Remus said on a nervous exhale. “Tell me what I did.”</p><p>There was a calculated silence between them. “What makes you think you did something?” Even by the tone of Peter’s voice, Remus knew. It was hardly even a question.</p><p>“I can’t remember a damn thing, people are pointing and whispering and laughing, for Godric’s sake, I had to have done <em>something</em>,” Remus growled, the pain behind his eyes growing fuller and heavier. He pinched the bridge of his nose to try to relieve some of the pressure.</p><p>Pete took a breath. “You’ve just never been that drunk, Moony. People were surprised.”</p><p>There was something going on here. That answer was far too vague, the breath Pete had taken in far too serious in tone. Whatever it was, he wasn’t going to find it out from the Marauders. There was a twisting guilt in his gut over <em>why</em> they needed to hide this from him and a stabbing resentment in his heart over them hiding it from him <em>at all</em> anyway.</p><p>Remus barely sipped his tea on their way to class. For some reason, the taste of it soured on his tongue. Another unusual thing from this morning – usually the house elves in the kitchen brewed the <em>perfect</em> cup of jasmine tea. This one tasted burnt, stale. Maybe it was him.</p><p>As they walked into the classroom, Remus instinctively found Sirius’ leaden gaze, like his eyes were made to seek it out. There was something unexpectedly familiar about the unsettling way Sirius looked at him, from underneath his dark, fanned lashes, with his head bowed low.</p><p>That expression shouldn’t have been recognizable to Remus, because it was extremely foreign. There was something desperate and hungry in the swirling mercury of Sirius’ eyes that Remus was sure he had <em>never</em> seen there. But he <em>could</em> see it, then. He could see clearly in his mind, Sirius looking down at him from a strange distance – close enough that Remus could see the slight, uneven movement of his chest, but far enough that Remus couldn't feel that anxious breath against his cheek. Godric, if this was a dream, he wanted to remember it <em>viciously</em>.</p><p>When Sirius pushed his hair from his face, drawing it to one side of his head, Remus could see that, too. From that strange distance, he could remember watching Sirius raise his head, far enough that Remus could make out the sharp, jagged edges of Sirius’ throat. He could remember Sirius pushing his hair back, holding his fingers there, the muscles in his arm tense and defined.</p><p>Except, no, he <em>couldn’t</em> remember that. Because it hadn’t happened. Whatever this dream had been, Remus needed to forget it, like he had tried (and failed) to forget all the ones before it. They did nothing but make him frantic in Sirius’ presence – flinching at the slightest touch of Sirius’ fingers, staring devotedly at the movement of Sirius’ lips, sighing at every tilt of Sirius’ head that gifted Remus with a glorious view of bare collarbone underneath a loosened tie. </p><p>He purposefully didn’t sit next to Sirius, as he did every other day in every other class. No, this time, he chose a spot next to Lily Evans, rather intent on making her talk. Once McGonagall had finished presenting the basics of whatever they were learning (for the first time, Remus wasn’t paying attention and had no idea what they were supposed to be doing), he turned.</p><p>“Lily, what the bloody hell happened last night?” he asked, strain in his voice.</p><p>At first, a comical smile brushed across her lips, but when she noticed the frustration and urgency in Remus’ face, her expression faltered. “You … you really don’t remember?”</p><p>“I really don’t,” he sighed, a whine in the back of his throat.</p><p>Lily fidgeted in her seat. “I really don’t think I should be telling you this.” Her green eyes suddenly darted across the room, and Remus was pretty sure they were meeting James’ gaze.</p><p>“Just tell me what I did, Lily, <em>please</em>,” Remus begged under his breath, turning his eyes downward as he saw McGonagall turn toward the class again. “I’ve never been that drunk.”</p><p>This time, she went still. “<em>Remus</em>,” she said sharply through clenched teeth, looking over at him quite pointedly from the corner of her eye. “You didn’t drink <em>anything</em> last night.”</p><p>A soft breath fell from his lips. “Then why can’t I remember any of it?”</p><p>“You might want to ask your <em>friends</em> about that,” Lily said through tight lips. When his eyes flicked over to where Sirius sat, he watched Sirius look quickly away.</p><p> </p><p>After class, Sirius was the first to rise from his seat. Before he could move, Remus was next to him, holding his shoulder and keeping him in place. Sirius looked up, eyes wide.</p><p>“We need to talk,” Remus said, his words clipped and short. With a hard swallow, Sirius nodded solemnly. When James and Peter tried to wait around, Remus shook his head.</p><p>“But, Moony, you’ll be late to –” Pete tried to dissuade him, but Remus interrupted.</p><p>“Then I’ll be late,” he replied gruffly, a growl in his tone.</p><p>“Remus, if Sirius is late to Defense again,” James tried to argue, his eyes jumping nervously from Remus to Sirius and from Sirius to Remus. Before he finished, Sirius spoke.</p><p>“It’s alright, Prongs. Go ahead,” Sirius said, his voice suddenly calm and even. Reluctantly, the two walked into the corridor, leaving Remus and Sirius alone in an empty classroom.</p><p>With his hand still on Sirius’ shoulder, Remus sighed, “Tell me what I did.”</p><p>“What <em>you</em> did?” Sirius immediately scoffed, pushing Remus’ arm away so he could stand, stalking around the room like a caged animal. “Moony, you didn’t do anything.”</p><p>“Then why haven’t you been able to look at me all morning?” Remus asked, backing Sirius into a corner, both physically and verbally. The flush in Sirius’ cheeks gave Remus an answer he didn’t want to receive. Because Sirius Orion Black did <em>not</em> blush.</p><p>Sirius Black <em>caused</em> blushing. When he sent a not-so-anonymous Howler to Remus on Valentine’s Day that loudly proclaimed why Remus was such a catch (including but not limited to: the pouty shape of Remus’ lips and how sweet they must taste, the honey colour of his angel eyes and how bright they look in the dark, the baritone of his voice when he woke from a long sleep and, <em>Godric, imagine how deep it must sound calling your name out in the middle of the night</em>), he <em>caused</em> a sordid blush, but he himself did <em>not</em> blush. When he took off his Quidditch jersey, on his broom just after victory, to throw it to Remus while blowing a kiss, Remus could feel the familiar rush of blood into his fucking <em>soul</em>, but Sirius did not blush. Sirius <em>never</em> blushed.</p><p>Taking in a short breath, Remus stepped back. This was worse than he thought. He couldn’t even <em>invent</em> a scenario that would result in Sirius Black blushing. He was the most confident, unflappable, composed idiot that Remus had ever met. Once, the Marauders had overheard the Slytherins making loud jokes about how <em>small</em> Sirius had to be in the trousers to be as loud and as brash as he was. Without hesitation, Sirius had swept back his robes and began unbuttoning his trousers, stating, ‘<em>If you bastards had wanted a look so badly, all you had to do was ask.’</em> Needless to say, he hadn’t had to continue. And Remus had blushed <em>for him.</em></p><p>Which meant Remus had to have done something really fucking despicable for Sirius to be blushing like this. Or <em>breathing</em> like this. Had he been breathing this heavily the whole time? It left a sudden after-image in Remus’ mind, wondering if they had been in this very situation before, but <em>different</em>. This situation, but with Remus pressing Sirius hard against the wall.</p><p>The memories of this dream, if that’s what this was, where his hips had been held to Sirius’ so firmly that he could feel Sirius between his legs, left Remus breathless and dizzy. To steady himself, he braced his arm against the wall behind Sirius, leaning in a little further as his head started to lower. This new closeness left Sirius sucking in a stuttering breath.</p><p>“<em>Remus</em>,” he said under that breath, speaking Remus’ name in a way that Remus had never heard him say it. Was he still dreaming? Was Sirius <em>really</em> looking at him this way?</p><p>With sharp, stinging clarity, Remus realized what he was doing. This was not a dream, Sirius wasn’t looking at him through bedroom eyes – his eyes were wide because he was <em>nervous</em>. He was nervous around Remus. Which meant Remus had fucked up <em>immensely</em>.</p><p>“Fuck, Pads, I’m sorry,” he mumbled under his breath, pulling away rapidly and dragging his fingers across his face, surprised to find it unkempt and stubbled. He hadn’t even shaved that morning. Why was his life suddenly falling apart? What had he <em>done</em> yesterday?</p><p>“Wait, Remus, let me explain,” Sirius tried to say, but Remus wouldn’t have it. He wouldn’t let this missing time dictate his behavior. He was being reckless and careless.</p><p>“Go. You’ll be late,” Remus said through a thick swallow, pulling his hands away from Sirius and holding them behind his head to keep himself from fucking up any further.</p><p>“This isn’t what you think,” Sirius tried to explain, but Remus interrupted.</p><p>“I know,” he said, trying to keep the sorrow from his voice. It was never what he thought, after all. When Remus looked over in Astronomy to find Sirius had already been watching him, it wasn’t what he thought. When Sirius delicately brushed the hair back from Remus’ forehead, it wasn’t what he thought. When Sirius crawled into his bed late at night long after James and Pete had gone to sleep, it wasn’t what he thought. It was never what he thought.</p><p>“Then <em>talk</em> to me,” Sirius whined emphatically, but Remus shook his head.</p><p>“We can talk later. We’re going to be late.” The expression is his voice was blank, working hard to keep it locked tightly away. With a swift stride, Remus fled from the room, hearing Sirius following quickly after, trying to get him to slow down. He didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the day, Remus avoided Sirius at all costs. Some of it was because of the guilt that he felt cornering Sirius in the classroom, or the guilt over whatever it was he’d done yesterday that he couldn’t recall. However, most of it was because every time he interacted with Sirius, he remembered a little more of this … dream.</p><p>He reconciled the sounds from Sirius’ throat to the sight of him making them, his hair tangled up in his own fist as he called out Remus’ name. He’d started to remember the feel of his lips against the soft skin at the base of Sirius’ neck, hearing the explicit way Sirius moaned in response. He could remember pressing Sirius to the wall, and he could very fucking distinctly remember the feeling of Sirius, hard and aching, in the palm of his hand.</p><p>It was becoming so clear and so real that Remus began to realize – this was the thing he had done yesterday. Maybe Remus wasn’t the one who had been drunk, but Sirius. And while Remus couldn’t understand why he hadn’t remembered it, he had taken <em>advantage</em> of Sirius.</p><p>Until Remus could formulate exactly how to express how fucking sorry he was, the extent of his regret, he was avoiding Sirius. The pointing and giggling (now from <em>every</em> House, not just Gryffindor) had continued, <em>worsened</em> throughout the day. He still wasn’t sure how they knew what he had done, because from what he had seen, he and Sirius had been very alone.</p><p>Just after dinner (which Remus had skipped entirely, choosing to sulk and hide in the Astronomy Tower rather than face Sirius again), Remus found himself wandering the corridors, unwilling to go back to the dorms. In the hall, he passed Frank Longbottom, who grinned at him.</p><p>“How’s Sirius, loverboy?” he asked with a wink. Immediately, Remus stopped him, a little more forcefully and abruptly than he should’ve, by shoving him against the wall. With his eyes wide, Frank held his hands up in the air. “I was only kidding, Remus, wait.”</p><p>“Frank, tell me what the fuck happened yesterday,” Remus said, a trembling breath falling from his lips. Frank’s eyebrows furrowed deeply, his eyes searching Remus’ face.</p><p>“Wait, Amortentia doesn’t work like that,” he said, half under his breath.</p><p>“What the hell does that mean?” Remus asked, softening his hold on Frank’s robes.</p><p>A sigh pushed from Frank’s lips. “You really don’t remember yesterday? At all?”</p><p>“I remember up to Potions. And then …” he felt a blush creep up his throat, “a few pieces of things. Not much.” He swallowed hard, hoping Frank wouldn’t delve into that further.</p><p>“Remus, your tea was spiked yesterday,” Frank said with a slight wince. “With <em>Sirius’</em> Amortentia.” The tension in Remus’ shoulders slipped. “Sirius swore he wasn’t the one who did it, but you …” his voice tapered a bit as he smiled, “you were <em>very</em> affectionate to him. All day.”</p><p>“Godric Fucking Gryffindor,” Remus groaned, pulling away from Frank so he could bury his blushing face into his hands. “Oh, <em>fuck me</em>,” he groaned, dragging out the vowels.</p><p>“I’m thinking you said the same thing to Sirius yesterday,” Frank chuckled, and Remus’ groan turned into a full growl as he dragged his fingers violently through his hair.</p><p>“Okay, I can play this off,” Remus rationalized, mostly to himself, pacing in front of Frank as he took a deep breath. “It was the Amortentia, <em>great</em>. It wasn’t actually me.”</p><p>“Hold on.” Frank reached out and grabbed Remus by the shoulders. “<em>What</em> wasn’t you?”</p><p>Remus bared his teeth. “I think I … I think I kissed Sirius?” The breath fell from his lungs as he spoke, his tone manic. “No, it was much more than just a kiss, Frank, I … I fucked up.”</p><p>“Tell me what happened,” Frank said, the humor totally gone from his voice.</p><p>“I <em>touched</em> him, Frank.” Remus repeated his name as a reminder of where he was, who he was with, how loyal Longbottom was. “I had my hand between his legs. <em>That</em>, I remember.”</p><p>There was a clench in Frank’s jaw. “Fuck.”</p><p>“And I can’t remember the rest of it,” Remus said, his breathing coming in much more sparsely now. “I don’t know what else I did. What if I … what if I forced him to …”</p><p>“<em>Remus</em>.” Frank’s voice rose in volume and clarity as he took Remus by the face. “You <em>didn’t</em>. You <em>wouldn’t</em>. Amortentia doesn’t change who you are, it just changes who you love.”</p><p>Remus looked down at Frank, eyes dark. “Except it <em>didn’t</em> change who I love.” For a moment, Frank’s eyebrows furrowed again. Until they widened with realization.</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>,” he breathed out, his shoulders slumping. Confusion crossed his features again. “No, that’s … if you were <em>already</em> in love with Sirius, then it wouldn’t have …”</p><p>The realization hit Remus’ gut like a curse. “Then it <em>was</em> me.”</p><p>“No, Remus, you …” Frank tried to assure him, but Remus wasn’t listening.</p><p>“<em>I </em>did that to him. <em>I</em> cornered him, <em>I</em> touched him.” The panic had built so strongly in Remus’ chest that there wasn’t space for air to move into his lungs. Remus sucked in a breath. “I had the chance to tell him the fucking truth, when it <em>counted</em>, and instead, I –”</p><p>“Lupin, shut the fuck up!” Frank shouted, grabbing him by the robes and patting him hard on the back. “Listen to me. From what you remember, was Sirius trying to get <em>away</em> from you?”</p><p>Oh. As he thought about it, that was part of the problem he’d been having with Sirius all day, because when Sirius spoke to him, all Remus could hear was ‘<em>Godric, Moony’</em> and ‘<em>Oh, fuck, Remus’</em> in Sirius’ panting, rasping voice. Not exactly the sound of dissonance.</p><p>“Oh,” Remus repeated out loud, the blush in his face surging brightly. Frank smiled.</p><p>“Then I think it’s something you need to talk to <em>Sirius</em> about.” </p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t ready to talk to Sirius. Not just yet. He took the long way back to the dorm, slinking down memorized secret passages and unused corridors, taking the time to try to figure out a way to ask Sirius to forgive him for this. He just wanted things to go back to normal.</p><p>Normal with Sirius meant something a little outside of normal. Normal to Sirius meant pressing his lips to the ear of his best friend to whisper something indiscrete about how wide his mouth opened when he yawned. Normal to Sirius meant biting off the end of Remus’ sugar quill from where it was still very much perched between Remus’ lips.</p><p> Normal also meant straddling over Remus’ back to give him a full massage after a rough moon. It meant bandaging and healing parts of his best friend that nobody else had ever set eyes upon. It meant placing his lips to Remus’ forehead to gauge his pre-transformation fever.</p><p> </p><p>Remus wanted so desperately to get back to their strange definition of normal.</p><p> </p><p>As he walked down a deserted hall, he could hear voices approaching from around the corner. Luckily, there was a secret corner behind a suit of armor that Remus could easily slip behind and avoid being seen. He was growing tired of the pointing and laughing and whispering.</p><p>“Did you hear about Remus being dosed with Sirius’ Amortentia?” A familiar Ravenclaw voice spoke of him and Remus tried not to let out an audible groan. Apparently, <em>everyone</em> knew.</p><p>“I heard it wasn’t even Amortentia,” the other voice replied, and Remus was pretty sure he recognized that voice. It was Ophelia, a Slytherin girl who was in their Potions class.</p><p>“What? No,” the Ravenclaw scoffed. “It <em>had</em> to be. Everybody saw Remus kiss him at the Quidditch match. Mary said they got rather <em>riled up</em> afterward, if you know what I mean.” A deep blush emptied into Remus’ skin as he heard of his own exploits, second-hand. Apparently, he had kissed Sirius at the match. And everyone saw it. And they were all talking about it.</p><p>“According to Severus, it was all a show,” Ophelia said, their voices getting further away, leaving Remus straining to hear. “Cause he’s the one that slipped Lupin Veritaserum.”</p><p> </p><p>With a clipped breath, Remus fell against the cold, stone wall.</p><p> </p><p>What in the name of Godric Fucking Gryffindor was happening in this castle?</p><p> </p><p>Was it Amortentia? Or was it Veritaserum? He <em>had</em> to talk to Sirius. Sirius had to <em>know</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The dorms were concerningly quiet. James and Peter were nowhere to be found. And Sirius – Sirius was sitting on Remus’ bed, waiting for him. Remus took a breath, closing the door.</p><p>“Sirius, there’s something I need to –” He was interrupted.</p><p>“It was Amortentia, Moony,” Sirius said, not looking up at Remus. “Mine.”</p><p>“I know,” Remus said, leaning down to try to see Sirius’ face. “Except it <em>wasn’t</em>.”</p><p>“I took advantage of it,” Sirius spoke over him. “I let it go too far.”</p><p>“<em>You</em> let it go too far?” Remus balked.</p><p>“You were just so …” Sirius took an unsteady breath. “And you were kissing me and touching me and … Merlin, I wanted you so <em>fucking</em> bad.” A sharp breath slipped in through Remus’ parted lips, an electric shiver running down Remus’ spine, into his belly, into his hips.</p><p>“Sirius,” Remus exhaled heavily. When Sirius looked up, tears were in his eyes.</p><p>“<em>Restitutio Memoriae</em>,” Sirius sighed with a flourish of his wand. Remus felt himself falling back but felt Sirius’ hands underneath him before he could reach the floor.</p><hr/><p>There was something going on with Snivellus. He was twitchy – more than usual – and he kept stealing glances back at Remus. It wouldn’t have been odd behavior for him necessarily, except that they were in the middle of Potions, brewing a <em>love potion.</em> Everyone else in the room was watching the person they fancied (which meant Remus kept glancing at Sirius), but Snape was watching <em>Remus</em>. It was rather unnerving. To be sure, Remus kept an eye on him.</p><p> </p><p>That is, until Sirius sided up next to Remus, excessively closely, to whisper in Remus’ ear.</p><p> </p><p>“Does it smell like me, Moony?” he purred in that sultry tone that always sent a shiver down Remus’ spine. “I’ll be the first to admit that mine smells like your jumpers.” An unsteady breath drew up into Remus’ lungs, but he stifled it, replacing it with his well-practiced sarcasm.</p><p>“Then you probably brewed it wrong. What do my jumpers even smell like?”</p><p>“Like cedar and wood smoke,” Sirius said, so plainly that Remus wondered if he was telling the truth about what scent he found while leaning over the bubbling cauldron.</p><p>“Scents which could easily be found in the Forbidden Forest, <em>Padfoot</em>,” Remus replied with emphasis, indicating that their time chasing the Wolf under every full moon had to have led to some positive associations. Or, that’s what he was telling himself, anyway.</p><p>“No,” Sirius sighed, curling his finger around Remus’ ear. “It isn’t <em>just</em> cedar and wood smoke, Moony. It’s the way cedar and wood smoke smells against <em>your</em> skin. It’s different.” With a blush in his cheeks, Remus tried to distract himself (and Sirius) by taking a sip from the teacup that he <em>knew</em> he wasn’t supposed to bring into the classroom. But Slughorn let him get away with a lot of things, being a Prefect and being Lily’s friend. Sirius stared, smiling, and Remus took a very long sip. Only then did Remus notice Snape watching him rather intently.</p><p>The moment the cup left his lips, Snape was before him, an invisible snake forking from his tongue with every word he spoke. “Well, <em>Lupin</em>.” He lingered on the first syllable of Remus’ name, like he was savoring some unseen victory. “I heard you had something … <em>important</em> that you wanted to reveal to everyone.” He smiled, or the closest thing to a smile on his sullen face.</p><p>A scoff ricocheted from the back of Remus’ throat. This was the most sorry attempt at unearthing Remus’ lycanthropy Snape had ever attempted. With a smirk, Remus readied the sarcasm on his tongue and the wit in his gaze as he spoke quite clearly.</p><p> </p><p>“That I’m in love with Sirius?”</p><p> </p><p>As his teeth snapped closed, Remus went still.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK WHAT THE FUCK</em>
</p><p> </p><p>With gasps echoing all around him and every single eye in their year turned to look at him, Remus went violently red in the face. Next to him, the vial that Sirius had been holding slipped to the stone floor and shattered. Remus could <em>feel</em> the shock on Sirius’ expression.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit fuck SHIT FUCK</em>
</p><p> </p><p>No, no, no, this hadn’t just happened. Had he been <em>dosed</em> with something? It felt like the confession had been dredged from the hollows of his throat, dragged out against his will. Was this because of an Amortentia? Couldn’t be – he’d been in love with Sirius <em>long</em> before now.</p><p>Okay, alright, this was bad. <em>Very</em> bad. But, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve exposed his other, much more detrimental secret. It was rather lucky that Sirius just happened to be at the forefront of his mind <em>at every fucking waking moment</em>. He could fix this. He could still fix this.</p><p>Looking over at Sirius, Remus became <em>very</em> unsure he could fix it. The look on Sirius’ face was … what was it, exactly? His silver eyes were wide, but it was all pupil, dilated and dark. His eyebrows were raised, but one much higher and sharper than the other. His lips were parted with the sharp breath that had entered through them, but his chest was heaving, struggling.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t tell if Sirius wanted to punch him in the mouth or bury his tongue in it.</p><p> </p><p>A shrill voice that Remus didn’t necessarily recognize echoed out over the lab. “Black spiked him with Amortentia!” Immediately, Sirius stiffened. Any peculiar expression that had been on his face was suddenly wiped clean, replaced by stoicism and irritation.</p><p>“Fuck you,” Sirius replied bitterly. “I did <em>not</em> drug my best friend.”</p><p> </p><p>Relief flooded through Remus’ chest. They thought it was the potion. His secret was safe.</p><p> </p><p>Delighted at the opportunity that had just been handed to him on a fucking silver platter, Remus sided up next to Sirius, closer than he ever otherwise stood, speaking in a tone that was several pitches lower than normal. “<em>Sirius</em>,” he breathed out into Sirius’ ear, reveling in the wild shudder it sent down Sirius’ frame. “Merlin, I’ve never noticed how <em>amazing</em> you smell.”</p><p> </p><p>And that was a giant fucking lie because he noticed it <em>constantly</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Moony,” Sirius cautioned with a nervous chuckle as Remus burrowed his face deep into the curve of Sirius’ neck. Letting his eyes flutter closed at the fantasy of this situation, he breathed in the sweet scent of Sirius’ honey and lavender conditioner, the remnants of cigarette smoke in his hair, rosewood in his robes from the chest that stored them when he lived with James over summer. For a moment, he worried about taking it too far, about making Sirius uncomfortable.</p><p>Until one of Sirius’ hands, the one that was hidden from view by the bench they stood behind, met Remus’ hip. At first, Remus thought that Sirius would push him away. Instead, that hand slipped into Remus’ open robes, just under the hem of his jumper, and Sirius’ fingers kneaded at the supple skin of Remus’ waist. In his surprise, Remus glanced down from where his face was nuzzled against Sirius’ throat, watching the erratic rise and fall of Sirius’ chest, the hard swallow that started as a tightening in Sirius’ jaw and slipped down the sharp edges of his throat.</p><p> </p><p>Oh. <em>Oh</em>. So, at least physical affection wasn’t unwelcome. Remus could work with this.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, Remus,” James said with an exasperated laugh, as if he half-expected this situation to come up at some point. As James neared them, Sirius quietly slipped his hand away from Remus’ skin, and James was none the wiser as he pulled Remus away.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the day, Remus spent not having to hold back anything – not looking away when Sirius caught him staring, not forcing himself to keep his hands to himself, not shying away from returning the implicit sexual innuendos that Sirius usually cast one-sided in his direction.</p><p>In Herbology, the mandrakes were squealing so loudly, and everyone else was so busy trying to shut them the fuck up, that nobody noticed Remus lean over and brush an ephemeral kiss to the curve of Sirius’ jaw as his head was turned. Nobody noticed the softness in Sirius’ expression as he turned his attention back to Remus. Nobody noticed the way Sirius brushed the pad of his thumb over Remus’ lips, parted in anticipation. Nobody noticed how they were close enough for their lips to meet, how they <em>would</em> have if Sprout hadn’t walked by.</p><p>In the back of the Divination room, with the crystal ball in between them, Remus bravely let his hand drift up Sirius’ thigh underneath the table. Without even a flinch, Sirius met Remus’ gaze with a defiant fire in his molten eyes as he slid down in his seat, shifting Remus’ touch closer to his hips. A sharp rise went into Remus’ brow as he pushed forward, slipping his fingers between Sirius’ thighs and watching the untamed way Sirius responded to it. His fingers reached the inner seam at the crotch of Sirius’ trousers before Trelawney nagged him to sit up straight.</p><p>During History of Magic, Sirius wrote him a note. Before Remus opened it, he expected it to have very graphic content about what Sirius wished Remus would do to him. After all, he was enjoying this situation just as much as Remus was. The idea that Sirius was only indulging him because of the potion stabbed a little at his heart, but he washed it away. The note read:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is going too far, Moony. We have to stop. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His first reaction was disappointment. Sirius was right, of course. Because there was no way this would end well. When the effect of the potion was supposed to wear off, Remus would have to return to normal and it would be miserable. No, realistically, he knew he couldn’t go back to normal after this. He couldn’t go back to silently pining for his best friend once he knew the taste of his skin. He would eventually have to tell Sirius the truth, once he was no longer under the pretend influence of Amortentia. He would have to tell him when it <em>counted</em>.</p><p>The problem was he couldn’t interpret Sirius’ motivation. There were only a few likely scenarios. One, Sirius was just pandering to Remus’ behavior for entertainment. Two, Sirius was doing things he wouldn’t normally do because he was just horny as fuck. Or three, Sirius was reciprocating Remus’ behavior because he had it just as bad as Remus did.</p><p>He talked himself out of that last one. The most realistic situation was that Sirius was using this as an excuse to get off. That sparked a whole other question about how far Sirius was willing to take this. He wrote back to Sirius, just once, to get that answer.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Do you really WANT to stop? Or would you rather let me suck your cock first? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus watched with absolute devotion as Sirius read that note. The scrap of paper quivered in Sirius’ hands, his lips fell open as an aching breath slipped from them. When he looked over at Remus, his eyes were so wide and so dark that there wasn’t even a hint of silver left in them. Remus cocked an eyebrow, something like an invitation. And Sirius, with his eyes fluttering closed and his teeth clamped firmly onto his bottom lip, nodded desperately.</p><p>The Gryffindor/Ravenclaw match was that afternoon and Remus spent the whole game with two fingers between his teeth, blowing howling wolf whistles at Sirius every time he flew past. Pete had even joined in, and Remus thought it was so they could play it off as a prank.</p><p>Well, they <em>might’ve</em> been able to play it off as a prank, until the Gryffindor victory. When they won, Sirius flew a lap around the pitch, ending his victory line right in front of Remus, breathless and flushed with adrenaline and excitement. With Sirius in front of him, panting and sweating and beaming, Remus was helpless to the way he reacted, now that he was allowed.</p><p>Without a thought in his head, Remus gripped Sirius by the collar of his uniform and pulled him in close, their lips crashing together feverishly. As Remus explicitly drove his tongue deeply into Sirius’ mouth, amid gasps and whistling and chanting, Sirius <em>moaned</em>.</p><p>When Remus pulled back, the look on Sirius’ face was blissfully vacant, his mouth hanging open in a silent request for Remus to return his tongue to it. With an arrogant smirk, Remus slipped his fingers underneath Sirius’ chin, coaxing him to close his mouth.</p><p>“Don’t I get your jersey today?” Remus taunted brazenly. Sirius rose a sharp brow.</p><p>“Fuck, I’ll give you anything you want, Moony,” Sirius exhaled, under his breath, so that Remus was the only one allowed to hear it. Purposeful and slow, Sirius crossed his arms, fingers slipping underneath the hem of his shirt, and he arched his back to pull it over his head.</p><p>Whistles and screams and howls erupted in the stand around them as Sirius stripped, leaving Remus to admire the defined naked chest of the love of his life. As Sirius performed this little ritual after every Gryffindor victory (which was rather frequently), Remus had seen his bare chest on a regular basis. But he’d <em>never</em> seen it with Sirius looking at him like that.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Sirius wasn’t <em>just</em> shirtless. He was half naked. Specifically, <em>for</em> <em>Remus</em>.</p><p> </p><p>On the way back to the castle, Sirius remained half naked. Even more to Remus’ delight, Sirius suddenly knelt in front of him, telling Remus to climb onto his back. He did, and Sirius lifted him effortlessly. Their theatrics had drawn a crowd that followed them all the way back.</p><p>While on Sirius’ back, Remus made a show of planting wide, wet kisses to the back of Sirius’ neck, his fingers pulling out the messy bun Sirius had tied into his hair. With his lips to Sirius’ ear, he whispered indecent, <em>pornographic</em> things into it, and the response was evident in Sirius’ skin, as he shuddered and sighed and tightened his grip on Remus’ thighs.</p><p>In the Common Room, everyone cheered and whooped as Sirius carefully set Remus’ feet back onto solid ground. They chanted to Remus, “<em>Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!</em>” and Remus gladly obliged, gripping Sirius by the back of the neck. As an added show, with his hands on Remus’ waist, Sirius dipped him low, like a scene from a romance film. The cheering escalated.</p><p>For a while, it seemed as though people were testing the limits of the Amortentia, what Remus would do, what Remus would say. Oddly, Remus was entirely delighted with this turn of events, because it was without consequence. He could say anything, do anything, totally free.</p><p>They asked him which of Sirius’ body parts was his favourite. With prose on his tongue, he conveyed his inability to pick a favourite, because how could anyone choose between the sharpness of Sirius’ jaw, the elegant curve of his throat, the give of the soft skin at his hips? Before he was done speaking, there wasn’t a single face in the crowd that wasn’t flushed.</p><p>Another asked what kissing his best friend was like. When Remus glanced over at Sirius, who was watching him rather contentedly as he leaned against the back of a squashy chair with his arms folded over his chest, Remus didn’t have to fake the unsteady breath he drew in. He didn’t have to pretend in the way he spoke about the softness of Sirius’ lips, the heat of his mouth, the roll of his tongue. He didn’t have to fabricate the look of adoration on his face or the pink blush that had settled under the freckles on his cheeks as he set his eyes on Sirius again.</p><p>The last question came when Remus settled onto the arm of the chair that Sirius had been leaning on, pulling Sirius into his lap and pushing his hair aside so he could plant his lips to the back of Sirius’ neck. The curious Gryffindor asked the question everyone wanted to know the answer to, but it wasn’t directed at Remus. It was aimed at Sirius. And once that all important question was spoken aloud, the dam was broken, until there was shouting all around them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>If Remus wanted you to shag him, would you do it? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Do you fancy Remus? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Are you in love with Remus?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>You keep kissing him back, you know. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Before things could get out of hand, before Sirius could start thinking too far into this, Remus opened his mouth to answer, but Sirius beat him to a response.</p><p>“If you could <em>experience</em> the way Moony kisses,” Sirius sighed, letting his hand slip down Remus’ thigh from where he was still settled in Remus’ lap. “You’d kiss him back, too.”</p><p>The enraptured expression on Remus’ face couldn’t be contained – a wild smile splashed red with the fury of blood rushing into his cheeks. In response, he tightened his grip around Sirius’ waist, humming as he placed his lips to Sirius’ skin again. Sirius craned his neck to let Remus continue. Questions kept pouring in, and they ignored every single one.</p><p>Once it was obvious that the question and answer session was over, most attention that had been focused on them fizzled. Only an occasional glance of curiosity or amusement was cast in their direction. A few more rogue Gryffindors loitered nearby, trying to get Sirius to admit something incriminating, but by that point, Sirius had pushed Remus back over the arm of the squashy chair, smothering him in euphorically deep and intoxicatingly languid kisses.</p><p>When the drama was gone, Remus wondered if Sirius would get bored with their show. If anything, his interest only intensified. They spent what felt like <em>hours</em> in that chair, Sirius exploring unfounded parts of Remus’ mouth, of Remus’ skin. His impatient fingers drifted up the hem of Remus’ jumper, sloping down the curves of his waist, pressing underneath his hipbone until his fingers were tucked into the carelessly loose waist of Remus’ trousers.</p><p>With Sirius’ hands so close to the increasing swell at the center of his hips, with Sirius’ tongue so deep in his mouth, with Sirius’ breath panted so heavily in his ear, Remus couldn’t help the shameless way he responded. “Oh, <em>fuck</em>, Sirius,” he exhaled, body fluttering.</p><p>In an instant, Sirius’ demeanor changed. He pulled back from the depths of Remus’ mouth, staring into Remus’ telling eyes with his eyebrows high and his erratic pulse pounding visibly along the lines of his throat. Without a word, he moved from the chair, pulling Remus along behind him. He went straight to a dark alcove in the empty depths of the Common Room, and immediately pressed Remus hard into the wall, hips first and lips following.</p><p>“Oh, <em>God</em>, Moons,” he breathed out into Remus’ skin as his lips moved wildly and erratically over every feature, over every scar, until Remus was panting for breath.</p><p>“Tell me you want me, Sirius,” Remus demanded, wrapping one leg around Sirius’ hip to feel him pressed between his legs, while Sirius’ teeth wrapped around Remus’ collarbone.</p><p>“Yes, Moony,” he whispered in a rasping voice. “<em>Yes</em>.”</p><p>“Tell me you want me to touch you.” Remus’ tone grew heavier, deeper, lower as his demands grew more salacious, as the leg wrapped around Sirius’ hip pulled him closer.</p><p>“<em>Please</em>.” Sirius was begging now and the sound of it sent any circulating blood into the blushing of his face or the pulsing of his cock, sliding against Sirius’ through their clothes.</p><p>Remus sucked in a breath. “Tell me you want to come down my throat.”</p><p>“Oh, <em>fuck</em>, Remus,” Sirius moaned, a little too loudly. Silently but desperately, Remus pushed Sirius from the wall, gripped him by his shaking hand, and pulled him upstairs – despite the eyes of every shocked Gryffindor following their every movement to their dorm.</p><p>Once behind a locked door, Remus shoved Sirius into the wall next to James’ bed, rewarded with a heavy grunt from Sirius’ impatient lips. Immediately, Remus was on top of him, tongue slipping deeply between Sirius’ teeth, hand sliding deftly between Sirius’ legs.</p><p>“Fuck, yes, Remus, <em>yes</em>,” Sirius mumbled mindlessly into Remus’ mouth.</p><p>“Don’t come yet, Pads, I haven’t gotten to taste you,” Remus hummed, pushing Sirius’ face to the ceiling as he let his lips travel down the vast expanse of the length of Sirius’ waist.</p><p>“I won’t last, Remus, I’m nearly there now,” Sirius panted, swallowing.</p><p>“Is that all it takes?” Remus teased, looking up as his lips reached Sirius’ hipbone.</p><p>“For <em>you</em>, yes.” The pounding of Remus’ heart reached a sudden fever pitch.</p><p>“For <em>me</em>?” he repeated, and Sirius let a breathy laugh slip from his tightened jaw, his neck still craned back with his head against the wall, his dark hair slipping down over his shoulders. His fingers were in his hair, his arm falling against the wall with a muscle tight and defined.</p><p>“Surely you don’t think straight, platonic friends imagine what you’d sound like as you scream out their name during an orgasm, do you?” Sirius huffed, as Remus thought back to that Howler that Sirius had sent him on Valentine’s Day earlier in the year. When Sirius finally looked down at where Remus was knelt in front of him, the look in his eyes had grown frantic. </p><p>“You’ve wanted me all this time?” Remus clarified, placing a series of sweltering kisses to Sirius’ abdomen, his fingers tucking into the uniform bottoms to find bare skin underneath.</p><p>“I’ve wanted you for so fucking long,” Sirius growled, watching the work of Remus’ fingers as they drew Sirius’ clothes down his hips, achingly slowly, with his lips close behind.</p><p>“Oh my <em>God</em>,” Remus hummed into Sirius’ skin, sending an arch into Sirius’ hips, and it brought Sirius’ cock right to Remus’ lips, though it was still barely covered. With no hesitation, Remus mouthed at it, breathing hot and wet as Sirius writhed underneath him.</p><p>“Remus, I’m so close,” Sirius whined, his voice high and tight. “Please, <em>suck</em> <em>me</em>.”</p><p>With his mind clouded with the nearness of Sirius’ orgasm and the ecstasy of being the one to cause it, a sudden confession broke on Remus’ tongue as it was dragged across Sirius’ skin. “Anything, Sirius, <em>anything</em>, because I am so fucking in love with you.”  </p><p>Just as Remus made one last tug at the only remaining thing keeping Sirius hidden, Sirius’ hands shot down instantly, taking Remus by the chin. If his hands were trembling before, they were vibrating now against Remus’ face. Remus looked up from this strange distance – close enough that Remus could see the slight, uneven movement of his chest, but far enough that Remus couldn't feel that anxious breath against his cheek. Tears were filling Sirius’ eyes.</p><p>“Oh, <em>God</em>,” Sirius exhaled sharply. “What the <em>fuck</em> am I doing?” Immediately, Remus stood, taking Sirius’ face into his hands, though Sirius tried to fight him. With the pressure of Remus’ hands against his cheeks, the tears squeezed from his tightly closed eyes.</p><p>“If I’m moving too fast, we can slow down, Pads, it’s alright,” Remus promised, peppering soft kisses to Sirius’ face, worry gripping his heart. He’d said too much. Sirius just wanted to get off, he wasn’t ready to hear Remus admit he was in love with him.</p><p>One of Sirius’ hands went to Remus’ shoulder, pushing him away, and Remus took in a panicked breath. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to give Sirius a blinding climax and then let Sirius come back for more at his convenience. He’d gotten too deep.</p><p>“I should have never let you kiss me. I shouldn’t have even put my hands on you.” Sirius’ hands were in his hair, pulling and tearing as he paced in a tight circle in their dorm. “You were just so … <em>you</em>, I didn’t even <em>remember</em> that you were under the Amortentia because you still sounded like you, you still acted like you,” Sirius rambled manically, his voice rising to a terrified pitch while his gaze stayed drawn to the floor. “And you were saying everything I’ve ever wanted you to say, and I just got so high off you being so close to me and the way you <em>kissed</em> me, and maybe I was trying to pretend that it was real, that you … that you could …” When he looked up, more tears streamed down his pale face. “I thought maybe you really <em>could</em> love me.”</p><p>With guilt swelling in his gut, Remus spoke in a whisper. “I do, Sirius. I <em>do</em>. This isn’t the potion. There never was a potion. It’s just <em>me</em>. And I’m disgustingly in love with you.”</p><p>For a moment, the color in Sirius’ eyes swirled, his eyebrows rose in hope. But the expression washed out as Sirius let his head drop, his eyes screwed tight. Without a word, he strode quickly over to his bed and reached underneath his pillow, his back to Remus.</p><p>“Moony, I’m so sorry,” he said under his breath. As he turned, his wand was raised. It was raised at Remus. Before Remus could speak, Sirius already had. “<em>Memoriae Novum</em>.”</p><hr/><p>When Remus woke, it was on the floor of their dorm. Sirius knelt next to him, at a distance that Remus couldn’t quite understand. Until he saw the tears in Sirius’ eyes.</p><p>Standing as quickly as he did sent him reeling, a dizziness and a rift in his brain twice that of this morning. He reached out, Sirius took his hand, and Remus immediately tore it away.</p><p>“Don’t fucking touch me, Sirius,” Remus howled, his teeth clenched so tight that it worsened the overwhelming pain in his head. “You <em>Obliviated</em> me?”</p><p>“No, Remus, I …” Sirius started to say as he stood, but he retracted. “It wasn’t Obliviate.”</p><p>“It may as fucking well have been!” Remus shouted, wincing sharply at the pain his own voice sent into his head, holding an uncurled fist at the side of his head, as if it would help.</p><p>“I thought it was better than the alternative,” Sirius admitted in a small, broken voice, wringing his hands in front of his chest. Tears still streamed down his face.</p><p>“What the fuck was the alternative?” Remus couldn’t stop shouting, despite the echoing pain it was leaving behind in his skull. He held his hands over his ears to try and stop it.</p><p>Sirius had begun to shout now, too. It was muffled by the hold Remus had over his ears, but he could still hear the cracking strain in Sirius’ voice. “The alternative was you never being able to look at me ever again! The alternative was you knowing I took advantage of you while you were drugged with <em>my</em> Amortentia!” With a snarl in his teeth, Remus snapped back.</p><p>“It wasn’t Amortentia, Sirius! It was Veritaserum!”</p><p> </p><p>Immediately, Sirius went still, save for the hand that gripped his bedpost, knuckles white.</p><p> </p><p>“It was …” Sirius repeated, unfinished, all colour drained from his face.</p><p>“It was <em>Veritaserum</em>,” Remus confirmed, his words biting and angry. “And if you had fucking listened to me last night, we could have found that out <em>together</em>.” A hard swallow drew down the length of Sirius’ throat as he hesitantly let his gaze meet Remus’ again.</p><p>“Does that mean –” Remus interrupted again.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, emptying his lungs. “It means everything I did yesterday was because I <em>really</em> fucking wanted to do it. Except …” Taking a step in, Sirius completed his thought.</p><p>“Except tell me the truth.” His voice had gone quiet, tender, thick with emotion.</p><p>A slight nod in response. “I wasn’t ready to admit it yet. And I didn’t want it to be in front of everyone like that. I didn’t even get to say it to your face.” There was a whine in Sirius’ throat.</p><p>“But you can … you can see now what I …” Sirius spoke carefully, lowering his voice, still taking negligible steps closer to Remus, “how I would’ve responded to that, right?” Finally, Remus looked up to find Sirius standing just in front of him. Their difference in height was, for the most part, insignificant, but it suddenly seemed like Sirius towered over him.</p><p>“No,” Remus replied honestly, his throat tight, though the pain in his head was finally starting to subside. “No, even then, I thought you only wanted me because you were …”</p><p>“Remus,” Sirius broke in, delicately curling his finger under Remus’ chin and coaxing him to keep his gaze away from the floor. “I wanted you because I’ve <em>always</em> wanted you.”</p><p>Remus still wasn’t ready to accept it. “You only want me because I make it so easy, because you can tell how fucking bad I have it for you. Because I bat my fucking eyes every time you walk by, and I sigh when you crane your neck, and I bite my knuckles when you bend over.”</p><p>“Moony,” Sirius said, a soft laugh pushing through his lips. “I want you because I am <em>in love</em> with you. Because I walk by you just to see if you’ll bat your eyes, and I crane my neck just to hear the way you sigh, and I bend over just so I can watch you get unraveled by it.”</p><p> </p><p>For the first time in quite some time, Remus couldn’t form a response.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” he said simply, formed as a breath. Carefully, Sirius reached up to brush the wild curls from Remus’ forehead, letting his touch linger at Remus’ temple, to slide down his jaw.</p><p>“You used to be better at hiding it,” Sirius smiled. “I didn’t know for a long time, but I think the feeling was mutual for longer than either of us ever knew.”</p><p>“When did you … find out that I …” Remus found his voice trailing.</p><p>“Remus, please say it to me,” Sirius pleaded. “I need to hear you say it.” For the first time, Remus readied himself to admit the truth in the only moment when it<em> counted</em>.</p><p>On an empty breath, Remus whispered, “I’m quite in love with you, Sirius.” With a deep, cleansing sigh, Sirius leaned in to place his forehead to Remus’, smiling softly as Remus continued his questioning. “When did you figure out how I felt about you?”</p><p>“I really didn’t <em>know</em>, not for sure,” Sirius said, letting his thumb trace the curves of Remus’ jaw. “But I knew I could get you hard, if nothing else, and that was something.”</p><p>Immediately, Remus blushed, pulling his lips into his teeth and screwing his eyes closed tightly. “Please tell me how the fuck you knew <em>that</em> before anything else.”</p><p>“It was after a Quidditch match and I threw you my jersey, like I always do,” Sirius said, pinching at Remus’ cheeks so he would open his eyes to look at Sirius. “Honestly, I don’t know how you didn’t figure out that I, <em>at minimum</em>, wanted to fuck you, based on just that.”</p><p>A short, trembling breath slipped out of Remus’ lips before he could stop it, struck by the casual way Sirius just admitted what he had. “<em>Jesus</em>, Sirius,” Remus exhaled heavily and <em>that</em> was what cause a noticeable straightening of Sirius’ spine, an unsettled rise in his brow. It sent Sirius’ hands up to Remus’ hips, pulling him in closer until there was nothing but fabric between them.</p><p>“And I watched the way you <em>watched</em> me strip,” Sirius said, suddenly sounding short of breath as his eyes scattered across Remus’ face, settling devotedly onto Remus’ lips. His story was interrupted for a moment as he asked, breathlessly, “Moony, can I kiss you?”</p><p>Remus licked his lips. “I don’t forgive you for Obliviating me.”</p><p>“And I don’t forgive you for lying to me about the Amortentia,” Sirius countered unexpectedly, eyes narrowed in Remus’ direction, but shimmering with lightness.</p><p>“Fair,” Remus smirked, rolling his eyes. “You’ve already kissed me, you know.”</p><p>Sirius shook his head, bringing his hand up to stroke the back of his knuckles across Remus’ still unshaven cheek as he laughed airily. “No, not properly. I had it all planned out.”</p><p>“All planned out?” Remus said, raising his eyebrows in amusement.</p><p>“Oh, I’ve had it planned for months, Moony, <em>months</em>,” Sirius said, tightening his facial expression to emphasize his point. “Our first kiss wasn’t meant to be that public. Or … <em>racy</em>.”</p><p>“Racy?” Remus beamed, his cheeks rather flushed. “I didn’t think it was that racy.”</p><p>“Said the one who had his tongue in my mouth the moment he was able.” His sharp eyebrow rose high again, watching the way his words rattled Remus’ breathing.</p><p>“Alright, smart arse, how was our first kiss meant to be?” Remus scoffed playfully, sinking into Sirius’ arms and enjoying the way Sirius tensed to keep him there.</p><p>“Close your eyes. Pretend yesterday didn’t happen,” Sirius said as he cleared his throat, as if this were a theatrical number, and Remus obeyed with a smile, closing his eyes and listening to the resonance of Sirius’ voice. “Pretend you didn’t nearly have my cock in your mouth.”</p><p>Remus slowly opened one eye to see the overwhelmingly arrogant smirk still splashed across Sirius’ lips. “There was no <em>nearly</em> about it, Pads. Your cock <em>was</em> in my mouth,” he baited back, watching Sirius’ arrogance dissolve into fluster. Sirius swallowed roughly.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” he growled for a moment before placing his fingers over Remus’ eyes, forcing him to close them. “Right, well, forget that happened. For now. We can always remember it later, I certainly know I will be remembering it later, when I’m alone in my bed this evening …”</p><p>Remus interrupted again, purposefully lowering his voice with intent. “You won’t be alone in your bed this evening, love.” It elicited another growl from Sirius’ throat, louder and more untamed than the last, his fingers tensing significantly against Remus’ waist.</p><p>“Oh my <em>God</em>, Moony,” he groaned and Remus, with his eyes still closed, could feel Sirius’ impatient breath huffing out against the nape of his neck. “You’re making this <em>so</em> hard.”</p><p>“Because I’m trying to make <em>you</em> hard,” Remus laughed, pulling his lips into his teeth at the unintelligible sounds clawing up from Sirius’ throat. When Remus felt Sirius’ hand against one side of his throat, the stubble of Sirius’ cheek against the other, he waited – waited to feel the desperate brush of Sirius’ lips to his throat, waited to feel Sirius move his hips in close to Remus’ so Remus could feel the reward of his verbal torment. But he was left waiting.</p><p>Instead, he was rewarded with a laugh, as soft as he’d ever heard it. He was rewarded with a ghosting of Sirius’ nose along his own that left him surging forward to claim a mouth that had already been pulled away. He was rewarded with Sirius’ thumb dusting over his lips.</p><p>“<em>Sirius</em>,” he breathed out, tilting his head back to invite him in close.</p><p>“This is why I fell in love with you, Moony,” Sirius whispered, and Remus could feel the eager puff of Sirius’ breath against his lips, scents of cigarette smoke and milk tea diffusing across his tongue until it was all he could taste. “Of all the things, it was your wit.”</p><p>“Not my ruggedly handsome good looks?” Remus quipped, his voice sounding much calmer than the erratic spiking of his pulse with Sirius so close. There was a short breath, a laugh of sorts, breathed out abruptly against Remus’ skin, and he desperately wanted to open his eyes.</p><p>“It didn’t take long for me to figure out I was attracted to the rest of you, too.” Sirius spoke under his breath, close enough to speak against Remus’ lips, <em>just</em> rousing them. “Soon, I found myself walking closer to you in the corridors to better smell that coconut conditioner you use.” His lips pursed meagerly around Remus’ bottom lip, and when he opened his mouth to speak again, Remus found himself mouthing at the air to get their pressure back.</p><p>Sirius continued, his voice hushed. “I’d spend entire classes staring at the freckles that line your throat and watching the way they moved when you spoke.” Despite the shallowing of his breath, his words flowed and waned like a practiced chorus. When he put his lips to Remus’ again, there was decisiveness in his kiss, with wonder and reverie. And Remus knew Sirius had been right, <em>this</em> was what their first kiss should’ve been all along, because it was fucking <em>spiritual</em>.</p><p>His speech forgotten, Sirius let Remus kiss him, and kiss him unhindered, for several long minutes, or hours, or days. Remus wasn’t sure. No single moment of his lips to Sirius’ felt like enough, like he wouldn’t live if they separated, like he had existed only to fulfill this moment.</p><p>It must’ve taken immense discipline for Sirius to slip away from that kiss, but even when he did, he didn’t stray far. He spoke again, his lips moving with Remus’ in a melody, in a dance, measured in equal increments to the weight of his hands on Remus’ skin. “The first time I threw you my Quidditch jersey, it was just so I had an excuse to see if you would respond the way I hoped you would.” Cautiously, almost as if yesterday really <em>hadn’t</em> happened, like he didn’t know the way Sirius would moan when he did it, Remus slid his tongue into Sirius’ mouth. And Sirius did moan, just like he did the first time, and it was operatic. “Oh my <em>God</em>, Moony.”</p><p>“Speaking of which,” Remus managed to say, through expertly timing his words to fit between the increasingly frantic crashing of their mouths, momentarily lost to the way Sirius was holding onto the back of Remus’ neck to thoroughly <em>devour</em> him. “You didn’t finish that story.”</p><p>“You already know the story, Moony,” Sirius said, keeping his words short as he moved deeper into Remus’ mouth, all the while pushing Remus slowly and carefully toward Sirius’ bed.</p><p>“I want to hear it from you.” Remus twisted his voice to sound like a whine, like a plea. </p><p>“<em>Oh</em>,” Sirius mumbled onto Remus’ lips. “You want me to tell you that I was a fucking <em>mess</em> after that match because, when you looked at me like that, it looked like you were imagining me taking the rest of my clothes off <em>for you</em>.” With a snap, Sirius pulled away only long enough to tear his shirt off, immediately sliding his hands around Remus’ ears to pull Remus’ lips back into his own, just as the backs of Remus’ knees hit the bottom of Sirius’ bedframe.</p><p>“God, y<em>es</em>.” The word fell from Remus’ breath in a tremble, right into Sirius’ mouth, as Remus let his hands drift over Sirius’ defined waist, up the curve of his spine.</p><p>“You want to hear how I leaned in to get a good look at the <em>filthy</em> expression on your face, how I steadied my shaking hands on the bench, not knowing I’d put my hand right between your legs until I could <em>feel</em> you pressed against me. <em>Fuck</em>,” Sirius’ voice dissolved into an empty howl as he buried himself within Remus, kissing and biting into the deep slope of Remus’ throat and tangling his arms so violently in Remus’ shirt that he was bound in it. Without even a single breath of hesitation, Sirius pushed his fingers underneath Remus’ shirt and slipped it off.</p><p>“<em>Sirius</em>,” Remus’ voice fluttered as Sirius held him at arm’s length for a moment, just so he could let Remus see the admiration wash over his expression. In the next moment, he was on Remus, wrenching at his hips until Remus was pressed flushed against him.</p><p>His story continued with chaotic momentum. “You moved into my wrist and I could <em>feel</em> you – God, you were so fucking hard.” The rate of his speech increased, the pressure of his fingers tightened, and in one fluid motion, he lifted Remus from his feet and let him land bluntly onto the mattress, forcing a heavy grunt in the shape of Sirius’ name to press from his lips.</p><p>As Remus watched Sirius crawl over him, pupils blown wide and chest heaving impatiently, Remus went dizzy with the reality of this fantasy brought to life. “<em>Fuck</em>.”</p><p>“And I had to leave, Moony, I … I had to get away from you because I was less than a <em>second</em> away from taking you into the palm of my hand.” His face had reached Remus’ abdomen by then, and he didn’t hesitate a moment to slip his hands underneath Remus’ waist to pull Remus’ body up to his mouth, the work of his mouth lawless, feral, <em>violent</em>.</p><p>“Oh Merlin, Sirius,” Remus called out as Sirius let Remus’ hips meet the mattress again, just so that the work of his hands could migrate to the button of Remus’ trousers. “<em>Merlin</em>.”</p><p>“Now I know I should’ve done it <em>then</em>.” Sirius hollowed out his voice until it was barely there, kneeling over Remus and watching him fall apart underneath him. “Now I wish I had carried you back to the dorms …” His voice trailed off as he flared the waist of Remus’ denim, his eyebrow rising high and his tongue darting out to wet his lips as the sight before him, Remus hard and aching, for Sirius <em>alone</em>. Delicately, Sirius leaned in, parting his lips at the hidden head of Remus’ cock and mouthing mindlessly at it. “And <em>fucked</em> you,” he mumbled into Remus’ skin.</p><p>“Oh my God, yes<em>, fuck</em> <em>me</em>,” Remus moaned loudly, arching his back to feel more of the warmth from Sirius’ mouth, but Sirius’ hand moved to his chest in an attempt to settle him, a deviant smile on Sirius’ lips as he saw just how provoked Remus had become for him.</p><p>“No, love,” Sirius grinned, licking at the corner of his mouth as he let a single finger circle around the strained imprint of Remus’ length beyond the fabric of his boxer-briefs. “I’m going to pull your entire, <em>impressive</em> cock into my throat, and <em>you’re</em> going to fuck <em>me </em>in the mouth.”</p><p>“<em>Fuck.” </em>The moan ripped from Remus’ throat unwillingly, but he stuffed it down, despite how Sirius was working off his trousers and the agonizing way his mouth continued to move against Remus’ swollen cock from outside the cotton border. With a deep swallow, he kept his voice lowered as he bargained. “Only if … only if I can suck yours, too.”</p><p>Raising only his eyes, which were swirling with disorder and hunger, Sirius rose an eyebrow, making sure Remus watched him as he pulled the last remaining article of Remus’ clothing from his hips. Without even looking down, Sirius took Remus’ cock into his elegant fingers and pulled it to his lips, letting his tongue slip over the throbbing tip.</p><p>The look in his eyes clouded, however, as he shifted his wrist, feeling the weight of Remus in his hand, and he allowed himself a heady glance at the arousal he’d caused.</p><p>“<em>Moony</em>,” he spoke softly, his voice suddenly gone raspy and dark. “Fuck.” Without pretense, he licked up the entire length of Remus’ cock, leaving Remus trembling as he hesitated at the tip, slipping his lips barely over it and kissing him sloppily. “God, it’s so …” he trailed off, going back again and again for another taste, eyes rolling back. “Jesus, <em>fuck</em>, Remus.”</p><p>“<em>Sirius</em>,” Remus growled with need, burying his fingers deep into Sirius’ hair. “Please.” He pleaded, moving his hand from Sirius’ hair in an attempt to pull his hips closer, to slip his fingers between Sirius’ legs, but Sirius wasn’t budging. His face bobbed lower as he took more of Remus into his throat. “Padfoot, <em>please</em>,” he resorted to begging, whining high and tight.</p><p>“Tell me what it is that you want, Moony,” Sirius said, with an authoritative demand in his voice that gave Remus an unexpected surge to the impending orgasm building in his gut.</p><p>“I want you to climb over me and shove your cock down my throat,” Remus groaned as Sirius took him all the way down, humming delightedly at Remus’ command. With a wet pop, Sirius slipped Remus from his lips, moving off the bed to stand next to it.</p><p>“Undress me, then,” Sirius said, fire in his dark, wide eyes. As Remus rolled over to his side, using both hands to get Sirius naked as quickly as possible, Sirius’ fingers drifted over to Remus’ cock, and he watched devotedly, breathlessly. “<em>God</em>, you’re beautiful, Moons.”</p><p>Remus blushed, flicking his hungry gaze up to Sirius’ face as he pushed everything out of his way, leaving Sirius to kick his clothes onto the floor. He only intended to glance down, but at the sight of Sirius, naked and aroused, Remus took in a sharp breath, his fingers immediately moving to take Sirius into his hands. “<em>Oh</em>, nothing compared to you, love.”  </p><p>Under an arrogant grin, Sirius let his tongue slide over his canines, moving in just close enough to let Remus lean off the mattress and press his lips to the head of Sirius’ cock.</p><p>“<em>Ohh, fuck, yes</em>,” Sirius exhaled dangerously, his thighs tensing as Remus’ hand slipped over to grip the back of his thigh, to cup his perfect arse in the palm of his hand.</p><p>“Get up here and fuck me,” Remus ordered in a treacherous tone, straightening out so Sirius could straddle over him, not quite top to toe. With Sirius’ cock perched just above his lips, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ hips and forced him down, letting Sirius’ cock sink as far as it could go down his throat. At the same time, Sirius took him into his mouth, sliding his tongue furiously along Remus’ length, humming in revelry, moaning indecently.</p><p>The closer Remus got to climax, the stronger he bucked his hips until he was doing exactly what Sirius wanted, until he was fucking Sirius in the mouth. And Sirius was doing just the same, grinding his hips down into Remus’ face until Remus’ hair was matted underneath him, until there were tears in his eyes from the pressure in his throat, until he was <em>choking</em> with it.</p><p>It took very few strokes inside Sirius’ mouth, hot and wet and vibrating, before Remus felt his thighs start to quiver, before he felt his hips start to roll gracelessly, before he felt Sirius’ fingernails dig into the backs of his knees. When he came, dark and heavy, he called out Sirius’ name, cursing and moaning, feeling his skin pulsing <em>for ages</em> between Sirius’ teeth.</p><p>There wasn’t even a pause before Sirius was crying out, having taken Remus’ orgasm right down his throat. “Oh, fuck me, Moony, fuck, <em>fuck</em>, <em>fuck</em>,” he growled profanely, the reserves of his breath growing obviously short as his voice grew thin and stretched. His hips bucked and crashed, their rhythm growing wild and untimed as he grew closer, closer, closer.</p><p>“<strong><em>Oh, fuck</em></strong>,” he finally drawled out, his voice tremulous and his legs shaking as Remus felt Sirius come onto his waiting tongue, slick and salty and fucking <em>satisfying</em>. And maybe it had to do with his own orgasm, but he had never felt so sated and so blissful in all his life.</p><p>As Sirius pulled out from Remus’ mouth and righted himself, he collapsed onto Remus’ naked chest as Remus swallowed the remnants of Sirius’ pleasure.</p><p>“Fuck,” Remus breathed out, drawing delicate circles onto Sirius’ back.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” Sirius agreed, rather emphatically, nestling into Remus’ arm.</p><p>“See, we could’ve been doing this <em>all day</em>, if you’d let me blow you last night,” Remus teased, glancing down his chest at Sirius, naked and debauched on top of him.</p><p>Sirius smiled softly. “What’s one day against the rest of our lives?” The smile that spread into Remus’ face drove into his heart, too, until he could swear he heard it beating out in time to Sirius’ name, to Sirius’ breathing, to Sirius, Sirius, <em>Sirius</em>.</p><p>A soft pounding at the dormitory door sent them scrambling to draw the curtains closed around Sirius’ four-poster bed. Carefully, James stuck his head in the door, looking flushed.</p><p>“Didn’t want to interrupt, but fairly sure all of Gryffindor Tower heard you two screaming each other’s names, as it was <em>excessively</em> loud.” He smiled, but it looked a bit more like a wince than anything else. “Other than that, congratulations to both of you. <em>Well done</em>.” He winked.</p><p> </p><p>For the second time, Remus Lupin got to watch as Sirius Black <em>blushed</em>.</p><hr/><p>Word round the school was that Sirius was keeping Remus drugged on a steady supply of Amortentia, as Remus Lupin’s behavior had never been this brazen, this shameless, this <em>audacious</em>. After all, he was constantly twirling Sirius’ hair in his fingers as Sirius sat in front of him in Transfiguration, often leaning forward to place a kiss (or twenty) against the back of Sirius’ neck. During every Quidditch match, Remus whistled unashamedly, calling out lewd things to Sirius with every pass, like how he would reward Sirius if they won. More and more frequently, students looking for privacy would stumble into a dark corridor to find Remus and Sirius had already taken residence there, sometimes with half their clothes removed.</p><p>They never addressed the rumors. No, that wasn’t quite right. They promoted it, they <em>fed</em> off it, but they never dismissed them. When the questions came, and they came <em>daily</em>, they would find creative ways to answer them without answering them, and usually incorrectly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus, are you under Amortentia right now?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>And Remus would look severely perplexed for a few moments before Sirius raced up and had Remus drink from a very suspicious looking flask. White liquid dribbled from Remus’ lips. The secret was whole milk, enchanted to give off a uniquely mother-of-pearl sheen.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius, did you shag Remus while he was on Amortentia?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>And Sirius would awkwardly stutter out a purposefully unintelligible response until Remus could swagger through to advertise the parade of love bites that marked his neck (there was no enchanting needed to create those). Sometimes, Remus would worsen the situation by making a comment about how faithfully and frequently Sirius took him to bed. Or <em>elsewhere</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius, are you actually in love with Remus? He’s not even on Amortentia, is he? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>And Remus would lean in, separating Sirius’ lips with his own as delicately as he was able, and he would speak truth into his breath. He would admit the truth that he’d spent half of his life hiding. He would confess that he loved Sirius wildly. He would declare it. Now, <em>when it counted</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment he lowered Remus into his bed, tears splashing down onto Remus’ cheeks as he started to feel the weight of what he had just done settle into his gut, the door opened.</p><p>James’ gaze flicked over to Remus, unconscious. “<em>Sirius</em>. What did you <em>do</em>?” The stress proved to be too much for Sirius, and he broke open, burying his sobs into his hands. Before he could even speak, James was before him, holding him against his chest. “What happened?”</p><p>“I <em>love</em> him, Prongs,” Sirius sobbed. “And I almost let him …” As Sirius’ voice trailed off, he could feel the heaviness of James’ breath from where he was pressed to James’ chest.</p><p>“Of course you love him, we <em>all</em> love him,” James gave him an out that Sirius wasn’t willing to take. He shook his head against James’ chest, his tears soaking into James’ uniform.</p><p>“I don’t love him the way you do,” Sirius spoke, his voice shuddering with sobs. “I love him <em>very</em> differently than you do.” James’ hold on Sirius’ shoulders increased significantly.</p><p>“I suspected. Since you’ve been snogging him in the Common Room all night,” James said, adding in a cautious laugh to try to ease the tension in the room. It didn’t take.</p><p>“I knew it was the Amortentia, I <em>knew</em>,” Sirius mumbled, fists digging tightly into the thick fabric of James’ Quidditch uniform. “But I couldn’t stop myself. He was holding me, and <em>kissing</em> me, and I just didn’t want it to end.” His laboring breath added very little oxygen to his lungs.</p><p>“What happened to Remus, Pads?” James repeated warily, fingers tensing on Sirius’ skin.</p><p>“I was <em>so</em> close to doing something that I couldn’t take back,” Sirius struggled to say, his words vibrating against James’ collarbone. “He was on his <em>knees</em>, James, and I was half undressed already, but Moony was … he was going to … and <em>fuck</em>, I was <em>actually</em> going to let him do it.”</p><p>James went frightfully silent. “Tell me you didn’t.”</p><p>“I didn’t!” Sirius cried, a broken sob shifting up his throat. “I didn’t. But I panicked because if Remus was to remember what I <em>almost</em> let him do, then he would never …”</p><p>“What do you mean, remember?” James asked, his voice sharp and biting as he pulled Sirius back, holding him by his bare collarbone. His hazel eyes were pointedly wide.</p><p>“I used a memory charm on him,” Sirius admitted in a small voice.</p><p>“You <em>what</em>?” James barked, throwing Sirius back toward Remus’ bed. “What the <em>fuck</em> were you thinking? <em>Everyone</em> knows what he did today, Sirius! That doesn’t fix anything!”</p><p>“I almost <em>assaulted</em> him, James!” Sirius snapped back with teeth clenched tightly, trying to keep his voice low, just in case Remus was able to wake from the dreamless sleep under which Sirius had put him. “He was drugged out of his fucking mind and I took advantage of him!”</p><p>“Yeah, and you shouldn’t have fucking done that either!”</p><p>“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” Sirius hissed. “Don’t you think that <em>every</em> time Remus kissed me that I knew I was fucking everything up? That he didn’t <em>consent</em> to this?”</p><p>James scoffed. “Didn’t really look like you gave much of a shit when Remus was on top of you in that Common Room chair.” Burying his face into his hands again, Sirius pressed into his eyes in some fruitless effort to keep himself from crying again, because it wasn’t helping.</p><p>“I <em>know</em>,” he growled. “I know that. And I can’t pretend that what I did wasn’t extremely fucked up, but …” he paused, letting out a breath. “But he was still Remus, and I got so lost in it that I forgot it wasn’t real. I almost convinced myself that he really <em>did</em> love me.”</p><p>“Dammit, Padfoot,” James said, taking him into his arms as Sirius began to cry again. “It’s alright. We can fix this. But you are going to have to tell Remus the truth. <em>All of it</em>.” On a sigh, Sirius nodded, his shoulders still shaking. “Will he remember anything tomorrow?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Sirius replied in a broken voice. “I’ve never used it before.”</p><p>“You’ve <em>never</em> used it and you thought it was okay to use it on your <em>best friend</em>?” James’ voice had started to rise again. “Where the hell did you even learn it?” Sirius went quiet.</p><p>“It’s the spell my mother used on Regulus so he wouldn’t remember when she’d hit me a few times,” he said in a diminished voice. “I learned the counter, but I never used it on him.”</p><p>“Pads,” James said, the softness returning to his tone. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“And now I’m no different than she is.” Sirius whispered solemnly.</p><p>“<em>No</em>,” James said sternly, pulling back to hold Sirius by the face. “You are <em>not</em> your mother. Using the spell was fucked up, but you didn’t use it for you. You used it to protect <em>Remus</em>.” He took a deep breath. “Tomorrow, you’re going to use the counter spell and you’re going to tell him what happened.” With a wince, Sirius looked up into James’ hazel eyes.</p><p>“Tomorrow?” he repeated timidly. James’ shoulders softened, but just a touch.</p><p>“Pete and I will give you some time,” James said, watching the terrified way Sirius swallowed the mass in his throat. “But the sooner you do this, the better.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Sirius nodded, knowing James was right. “Tomorrow.”</p><p>“Now, let’s go downstairs and do a bit of damage control,” James gritted his teeth, pulling Sirius to the dormitory door. With one backward glance, Sirius watched the tranquil rise and fall of Remus’ chest, watched the peaceful flutter of his eyelids as he slept.</p><p><em>Tomorrow</em>, he repeated to himself as he followed James down the stairs. Tomorrow, he would tell his best friend that he was in love with him. Tomorrow, he would tell his best friend that he made him forget their first kiss. Tomorrow, he would find out if his best friend was ever going to speak to him again. Tomorrow. When it counted.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Second chapter is a bonus conversation from Sirius' perspective after Remus got hit with the memory charm. </p><p>Also, I definitely made up the incantation for that charm, don't @ me about my bad Latin, I 800% used Google Translate 😅</p><p>Anyway, I would love to hear your comments, or you can send me a shout on tumblr <a href="https://mollymarymarie.tumblr.com/">@mollymarymarie</a> ❤️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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